god bless youth
god bless rock and roll
bike rides, high times, financial stability and raving mad in the streets at night.
intimate friends. gaining wisdom like a rock gathers moss when it tears down a hill. it does. intelligence. intrigue.
the writing on the bathroom walls built up just like rules made for breaking down.
have never valued my good values so much. have never had so much for so free.
winter wont come riding in this year to spoil our sun kissed cheeks because we have placed our collections strategically and the gods worship us. blessed children too skinny for any sacrifice. we wait all day for the night but the winter watches from the sidelines. no room in this small small world for hate. and love is eternal for as long as it lasts.
god bless rock and roll
bike rides, high times, financial stability and raving mad in the streets at night.
intimate friends. gaining wisdom like a rock gathers moss when it tears down a hill. it does. intelligence. intrigue.
the writing on the bathroom walls built up just like rules made for breaking down.
have never valued my good values so much. have never had so much for so free.
winter wont come riding in this year to spoil our sun kissed cheeks because we have placed our collections strategically and the gods worship us. blessed children too skinny for any sacrifice. we wait all day for the night but the winter watches from the sidelines. no room in this small small world for hate. and love is eternal for as long as it lasts.
yesterday was one of those lou reed worthy perfect days. after calling a few of my staple peoples to see if anyone wanted to gather lunch with me and being rejected, i had an epiphany involving a strong-jawed pouty guy in thick rimmed glasses. tim, who i never see because he's always so busy. somehow i caught him at a free moment and we met at hoover's cooking, an amazing east side soul food restaurant, for lunch. i told him about how i am picking up every day, especially my days off, turning them upsidedown, shakin out all the change, collecting it off the floor, and using it to purchase bubble gum. no not bubble gum, ice creams. my days are so full these days because i have determined to fully utilize them and to only do things i will find absolutely satisfying. this even includes work. i guess this is what they refer to as an attitude adjustment. everything just seems so clear now. that is, unless i start drinking too early. tim has been for a long time my writing partner with whom i have written nothing. he told me he keeps having these visions of these huge wheat silos out in rogers, tx where he used to play the rival football team. he wants to write a script which involves these but does not know how. so i said
how far is rogers. an hour and a half. okay let' go there.
driving out to rogers i was scared in the jeep but the sun was beating down and tim listens to great music. music that i need. once we finally arrive in rogers, after getting lost, the rain starts pouring. it passes and the sun comes back and we take the jeep to this vacant, dusty lot in front of the silos. then a train passes. i put on a clean dress and got out my guitar and we jammed right there. we also found this beautifully dilapidated abandoned house and wanted to explore it, but this tiny town was inundated with cops. we basically stared at the silos until we came up with our idea, tim already had a main character in mind. on the ride home i wrote pages and pages of notes about the story. tim's gonna hash it out and we will meet again later in the week to expand upon it.
when i got home my cool ass roommate izzy who is always on tour was here with his girlfriend olek the polack. she is this beautiful and intriguing and funny artist who i want to make a documentary about. they made this vodka iced tea lemonade drink and we cooked a vegan dinner then sat around the table like a family and drunk dined on mushrooms, zucchini, corn, saffron rice and sweet potatoes. after hanging out on the roof for a while i retired to my room where i woke up on the floor hours later :)
let's see what today brings me.
how far is rogers. an hour and a half. okay let' go there.
driving out to rogers i was scared in the jeep but the sun was beating down and tim listens to great music. music that i need. once we finally arrive in rogers, after getting lost, the rain starts pouring. it passes and the sun comes back and we take the jeep to this vacant, dusty lot in front of the silos. then a train passes. i put on a clean dress and got out my guitar and we jammed right there. we also found this beautifully dilapidated abandoned house and wanted to explore it, but this tiny town was inundated with cops. we basically stared at the silos until we came up with our idea, tim already had a main character in mind. on the ride home i wrote pages and pages of notes about the story. tim's gonna hash it out and we will meet again later in the week to expand upon it.
when i got home my cool ass roommate izzy who is always on tour was here with his girlfriend olek the polack. she is this beautiful and intriguing and funny artist who i want to make a documentary about. they made this vodka iced tea lemonade drink and we cooked a vegan dinner then sat around the table like a family and drunk dined on mushrooms, zucchini, corn, saffron rice and sweet potatoes. after hanging out on the roof for a while i retired to my room where i woke up on the floor hours later :)
let's see what today brings me.
my conscience is troubled. i have never quit a show before, not that i can recall. but also, i have never spent multiple months on some endeavor that i did not feel was worth my time. a few weeks ago i signed on to do a somewhat experimental show with a really good company in austin and was very excited. throughout rehearsals i have found myself feeling uninspired. while at the same time i know that the show will be visually stimulating and emotionally impactive. one of my top motivations for participating in the show was to help build contacts with the people involved so that in the future when i write/direct shows there will be a basin of folks i know who would be interested in seeing or participating in my shows. i know that my lack of inspiration comes from somewhere inside of myself. too much drinking, too much thinking, too much desire to be the one doing my own thing. i never have been good at paying my dues. to drop the show feels like an irreversible error, theatre people are not the most forgiving. but to continue it feels absolutely disingenuous. i know that this is the sort of show where i would rather be in the audience.
on my birthday, thursday, i got sick with what i thought was strep. after a few tests they determined that it was something bacterial and gave me antibiotics and i am feeling lots better, but still i feel like i got run over by a truck. so i have missed a few rehearsals which in theory are very important, and i decided to go ahead and withdraw from the play.
in the meantime, i need to drastically clean up my lifestyle so that the spare time i will have now that i've quit the show will be put to good use. we are about two months into summer now and i have worked on no projects. only other people's. i am ready.
on my birthday, thursday, i got sick with what i thought was strep. after a few tests they determined that it was something bacterial and gave me antibiotics and i am feeling lots better, but still i feel like i got run over by a truck. so i have missed a few rehearsals which in theory are very important, and i decided to go ahead and withdraw from the play.
in the meantime, i need to drastically clean up my lifestyle so that the spare time i will have now that i've quit the show will be put to good use. we are about two months into summer now and i have worked on no projects. only other people's. i am ready.
1. First name:
sabrina-gene
2. Age:
twenty-two in two days :/ :/ :/
3. Location:
sunny and strange austin, texas.
4. Occupation:
student/ restaurant slacker/ aspiring writer- musician
5. Partner:
leah & ryan
6. Kids:
no thanks. not until i'm at least mid-twenties. you know what's awesome? early twenties.
7. Brothers/Sisters:
melanie <3
8. Pets:
at bruce's house i left behind puck and luna, kitties extraordinaries! they meow incessantly whenever i come over, trying to pretend bruce doesn't feed them so they'll get fed again.
9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:
(1) makin' music
(2) makin' rent
(3) juggling boys
(4) lookin' forward to the fall semester
(5) makin' plans for trips i will not have the time to go on
10. Where and for what did you go to school?:
a long long time ago i studied theatre at nyu for two years. just recently i took up the endeavor of an english rhetoric and writing degree from st. edwards. i hope i finish soon.
11. Parents:
are hard to be around for extended periods, but well-intentioned nonetheless.
12. Who are some of your closest friends?:
bruce, lisa, ryan, leah, andy, amanda.
13. Passions and hobbies:
drinking, being outdoors, reading, learning, laughing, making up silly songs
14. Appearance:
bleached out teased up hair, 1" dark roots, broad shoulders, short dresses, cowboy boots and a few charcoal colored tattoos.
15. Summary of the last few years of my life:
searching, finding, escaping, searching, finding, escaping, searching-
sabrina-gene
2. Age:
twenty-two in two days :/ :/ :/
3. Location:
sunny and strange austin, texas.
4. Occupation:
student/ restaurant slacker/ aspiring writer- musician
5. Partner:
leah & ryan
6. Kids:
no thanks. not until i'm at least mid-twenties. you know what's awesome? early twenties.
7. Brothers/Sisters:
melanie <3
8. Pets:
at bruce's house i left behind puck and luna, kitties extraordinaries! they meow incessantly whenever i come over, trying to pretend bruce doesn't feed them so they'll get fed again.
9. List the 3-5 biggest things going on in your life:
(1) makin' music
(2) makin' rent
(3) juggling boys
(4) lookin' forward to the fall semester
(5) makin' plans for trips i will not have the time to go on
10. Where and for what did you go to school?:
a long long time ago i studied theatre at nyu for two years. just recently i took up the endeavor of an english rhetoric and writing degree from st. edwards. i hope i finish soon.
11. Parents:
are hard to be around for extended periods, but well-intentioned nonetheless.
12. Who are some of your closest friends?:
bruce, lisa, ryan, leah, andy, amanda.
13. Passions and hobbies:
drinking, being outdoors, reading, learning, laughing, making up silly songs
14. Appearance:
bleached out teased up hair, 1" dark roots, broad shoulders, short dresses, cowboy boots and a few charcoal colored tattoos.
15. Summary of the last few years of my life:
searching, finding, escaping, searching, finding, escaping, searching-
i' ll go ahead and post. they decided to dye my hair blonde. they- the people with the film. so last night i went to the designer's house and she had a hairdresser come over to do my hair. they bleached it. i think i prefer both red and brown hair to blonde hair on myself. but i guess this will be fun for a while. my poor poor hair. it's the living dead.
bruce and his parents just left for the airport. they've been staying with us since thursday. they're such wonderful people. we spent most of the time working on the yard. bruce got a grill and i cooked almost every day. the yeard looks great!
i've decided to participate in a open mic tonight. this will be my first ever experience performing music in public which i have witten. i hope i do not make a fool of myself. i hear all the best people go at the end. i plan to sign up right in the middle, that way i get to see some people go before me. i hope i don't chicken out. i didn't invite anyone, well, for multiple reasons. only bruce. i find it easier to play in front of people i don't know. and even though this place is down south, near our house, i still will probably run into people i know. small town.
another is because i sdtill need lots of practice. and another is because i'm in a "band" but i am probably going to go solo. already. and they are my only few friends here and i did not invite them because they would want to do it with me but they can't. and the reaosn they can't is because they constantly find more important things to do than practice. so even though we've been practicing for months we are not ready. and i am impatient. and i know that art is not just for fun but is hard work like any other job.
i sound like i should be some small bald man right now, with a voice that cracks when he gets too worked up.
i am just frustrated with them for so many reasons. this is what i get for trying to work with my friends. but i also should have guessed going into this that they care more about partying at night than sitting, the four of us, and really making something. the stakes are not high- non existant for them- because though we are the same age they are all younger than me and do not seek affirmation in the same way as i do. which i also should have guessed. and on top of that, two of them have started hooking up, which at first i fully supported but now i feel has taken front seat to the band thing.
i would take them back. hell they do not even know yet that i am leaving them. i would take them back if they could prove that they're willing to work.
in the meantime, i am trying to geta music myspace up. unfortunately, my recording devices sound crappy to the ear that is only used to professionally recorded tacks. i need it up though because as i continue to write music, i plan to recruit other musicians who do things better than me. such as play the guitar. guitarists are a dime a dozen here in austin. i just need to find some that aren't already engaged, who can flow with my artistic vision, who don't mind my substance use during jams, and hopefully have inspiration to contribute- and uniqueness.
i am so demanding.
tomorrow i leave for dallas to see lisa. i hope she realizes i'm coming. we will have jam fest 2008. every moment she does not have work will be spent jamming. maybe we'll even find an open mic in dallas. can't wait!
i am going to be in the st. edward's mariachi group next semester. this was an impulsive decision. my academic advisor-i think i mentioned how i got the dean of humanities to be my advisor- emailed me to say i did not need one of the literature classes i was signed up for next semester as a prerequisite for anything. so i dropped it, intending to take something else very academic in order to be sure that i graduate asap- as is my plan. well, as i looked through the course catalog, then looked at my schedule, i would have had to make some adjustments to take any of the classes i want, not to mention make overload requests. so i decided, since i'm taking 18 credit hours, i should stick something easy in there, and artistically enriching. because i want to improve my craft. guitar I was full- something i could really use. while i considered choir, i know how time consuming that can become. plus, no one in the music department knows me (yet) and so i worry that they'll stick me in some big women's chorus. so i emailed the director of the mariachi group, told him of my experience, and asked if he could use another vocalist. he was so excited when he emailed me back, said i made his day, that i could not justify backing out of this. this may be up there as one of the dorkiest things i've ever done. i hope/wager i'm the only female in the group. i think it will be good to have something extra curricular. resume wise as well as fun wise. i also mentioned that i was interested in learning the trumpet, because i am. he said he would steer me in the right direction for that. i want to be able to jazz improv on some trumpet.
bruce and his parents just left for the airport. they've been staying with us since thursday. they're such wonderful people. we spent most of the time working on the yard. bruce got a grill and i cooked almost every day. the yeard looks great!
i've decided to participate in a open mic tonight. this will be my first ever experience performing music in public which i have witten. i hope i do not make a fool of myself. i hear all the best people go at the end. i plan to sign up right in the middle, that way i get to see some people go before me. i hope i don't chicken out. i didn't invite anyone, well, for multiple reasons. only bruce. i find it easier to play in front of people i don't know. and even though this place is down south, near our house, i still will probably run into people i know. small town.
another is because i sdtill need lots of practice. and another is because i'm in a "band" but i am probably going to go solo. already. and they are my only few friends here and i did not invite them because they would want to do it with me but they can't. and the reaosn they can't is because they constantly find more important things to do than practice. so even though we've been practicing for months we are not ready. and i am impatient. and i know that art is not just for fun but is hard work like any other job.
i sound like i should be some small bald man right now, with a voice that cracks when he gets too worked up.
i am just frustrated with them for so many reasons. this is what i get for trying to work with my friends. but i also should have guessed going into this that they care more about partying at night than sitting, the four of us, and really making something. the stakes are not high- non existant for them- because though we are the same age they are all younger than me and do not seek affirmation in the same way as i do. which i also should have guessed. and on top of that, two of them have started hooking up, which at first i fully supported but now i feel has taken front seat to the band thing.
i would take them back. hell they do not even know yet that i am leaving them. i would take them back if they could prove that they're willing to work.
in the meantime, i am trying to geta music myspace up. unfortunately, my recording devices sound crappy to the ear that is only used to professionally recorded tacks. i need it up though because as i continue to write music, i plan to recruit other musicians who do things better than me. such as play the guitar. guitarists are a dime a dozen here in austin. i just need to find some that aren't already engaged, who can flow with my artistic vision, who don't mind my substance use during jams, and hopefully have inspiration to contribute- and uniqueness.
i am so demanding.
tomorrow i leave for dallas to see lisa. i hope she realizes i'm coming. we will have jam fest 2008. every moment she does not have work will be spent jamming. maybe we'll even find an open mic in dallas. can't wait!
i am going to be in the st. edward's mariachi group next semester. this was an impulsive decision. my academic advisor-i think i mentioned how i got the dean of humanities to be my advisor- emailed me to say i did not need one of the literature classes i was signed up for next semester as a prerequisite for anything. so i dropped it, intending to take something else very academic in order to be sure that i graduate asap- as is my plan. well, as i looked through the course catalog, then looked at my schedule, i would have had to make some adjustments to take any of the classes i want, not to mention make overload requests. so i decided, since i'm taking 18 credit hours, i should stick something easy in there, and artistically enriching. because i want to improve my craft. guitar I was full- something i could really use. while i considered choir, i know how time consuming that can become. plus, no one in the music department knows me (yet) and so i worry that they'll stick me in some big women's chorus. so i emailed the director of the mariachi group, told him of my experience, and asked if he could use another vocalist. he was so excited when he emailed me back, said i made his day, that i could not justify backing out of this. this may be up there as one of the dorkiest things i've ever done. i hope/wager i'm the only female in the group. i think it will be good to have something extra curricular. resume wise as well as fun wise. i also mentioned that i was interested in learning the trumpet, because i am. he said he would steer me in the right direction for that. i want to be able to jazz improv on some trumpet.
after much deliberation...
i knew it would happen like this. he equates my moving out with us breaking up. and while yes, i do have a lot of 'soul-searching' to do, i am not ready for us to break up because i know how well this works.
however, under his suggestion i will be taking lots of trips this summer. i mean lots. two with him and the rest without. the first will be to see the lovely lounge singer lisa foy in dallas, the city of florescent lights. and what a time we will have.
then i return to austin to work about a week and a half on this film.
wednesday the 21st i have a tattoo appointment, which cannot come soon enough. bruce leaves town the next day for that 4 day bachelor party in key west. he will come back browner than me and i will be jealous.
meanwhile, my parents have a dance performance in san antonio, and seeing as that's my mom's birthday weekend, i plan to attend.
about two weeks will pass after b returns, and surely i will find some wonderful adventure.
then june 6th we go to cabo. a few days after we come back, on the 16th, i plan to visit andy and kyle in san fransisco. i will stay as long as necessary- i imagine 5 days.
then on june 25, summer school begins. i have class mon-thurs, so i will be making a few weekend trips, to houston to sail, out camping in hill country, et cetera.
summer school ends august 5th. on the 6th we leave together for maine. we plan to stay 5 days. bruce will come back home to work, and i will hang out in nyc for 3 or 4 days.
from there i will go to houston to hang out with my cousins monte and christopher, then the three of us plan to go to argentina or mexico city and san miguel de allende, whichever trip turns out to be cheaper.
as soon as we get back, i start fall semester- august 25.
hopefully by then i will have settled down. and next summer i intend to study abroad.
i hope this works i hope this helps. i've warned bruce that he may not like it once it is realized. and it will be realized.
last night i did a scary thing. i went through some of my old journals. i have plans to do the same tonight if i have the time. they were packed away in moving and i was trying to find a place for them and i decided to read. mostly my handwriting is beyond illegible. i was able to find some good stuff. i was not even close to being able to read it all. i only got throguh two of about twelve journals i've kept since 2004.
pages upon pages upon pages.
for the most part, it is embarrassing. i was severely depressed from about 04-06. i feel i've come a long way. i felt so sad for that part of myself. i was just so down.
i wrote in response-
through old notebooks, where so many buried things live.
tumbling bindings of passing years.
nights spent naked, alone, drinking my parents wine til my head buzzed and composing mad letters to men i had made up, fomenting a fantastical desire.
starving provocateur.
bitter, biting handwriting.
like stark light first thing when you wake.
i notice a trend of addiction. first to people.
the next, reptilian.
old poems make me wonder, have i truly had the chance to be me-
stripped of all the depression?
sixteen became nineteen and down in the sludge of the sewer i could distinguish a waning reflection:
my life.
in this way my near ruination became my own salvation
a wake up call, my voice speaking to me over a faulty connection
now i have happiness and at such a cost
where has it gone, my layer of murk
what goddess has blown it all away
myself. i am. but not alone.
i also found a small thing i had written in '05, which i liked. because it's small:
i'm not mad about anything
not today.
got nothin to say to make your rage inflame
nor to chase me raving into the streets
to make my pulse beat into my palms
itching to take some troublesome action
the exterminating angel-
like a threesome before church.
****************************************
i found a document saved on my thumb drive as 'jauntycap.org' something i made up under the coffee influence, i'm sure. all of these quotes i found and saved. what a treasure.
Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities.
Aldous Huxley
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
Albert Einstein
He who has imagination without learning, has wings and no feet.
Joseph Joubert
Hope is the dream of a man awake.
French Proverb
I have spread my dreams beneath your feet. Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.
W.B. Yeats
I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same mind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.
~George Eliot
incredible woman^
Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.
Goethe
ich lieb dich, goethe.
A. oh yes
2) What was your dream growing up?
A. in order- paleontologist, dolphin trainer, theatre director, charles bukowski, writer
3) What talent do you wish you had?
A. this is a tough one. because i have no many talents already, you know? i wish i had a better coloratura. and that i could play the guitar well. all round better hand coordination.
4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A. something expensive, i hope. no i'm not that way. if you offered to buy me a drink i'd probably ask for a PBR or something.
5) Favorite vegetable?
A. spinach!!! only if it's fresh.
6) What was the last book you read?
A. goodness. running with scissors? oh wait. the human stain. and right after that i read a castle in the forest... i read all of those during my italy trip. and since then i've been working on reading the sorrows of young werther, which is pretty thin, but i haven't had a lot of time. i will after this week though. next in the queue- satanic verses by salman rushdie. i'm so excited to have time to reeeeeaaaaad!
7) What zodiac sign are you?
A. cancer
8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
A. i have one tattoo on my foot, the letter E, and one on my back, an invisible feather. on may 21st i have an appointment at rock of ages tattoo to get that feather extraordinary-ized!
9) Worst Habit?
A. where do i begin?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A. only if i knew you.
11) What is your favorite sport?
A. shootin' pistols
12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
A. optimistic, idealistic.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A. probably get really hyper and freak the hell out of you.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A. i think that most of the bad things in my life have come as a result of my own doing.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A. everything's open to subjection
16) Do you have any pets?
A. i own half of two cats. grey, with black speckles and stripes.
17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A. if i offer you some food or a drink, it means i like you.
18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)
A. i guess i am writing this specifically to lisa...? i thought you were sooooo pretty and i knew you were different than most people.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A. i think clowning is a high art form.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A. gosh, i don't know. i just said gosh. i'm so comfortable with how i look i think it would be hard to adjust. i know i used to wish i had not caused scars on my chin (from picking at zits) or that my jaw was not crooked due to the car wreck, but now i'm accustomed to all that. "i've grown accustomed to my face..." i also used to wish my shoulders weren't so broad or my forehead so high but now i've learned to like even that. not that i think i'm gorgeous, i just think people look the way they should.
oh- yes! i know. i have this stupid broken blood vessel on my leg. i did something, i don't know what, when i was about thirteen. i wish that would go away and realllly hope i do not get spider veins once i'm older. and i suppose it would be nice if my hair did not look like it's been dyed 60 too many times- but it has.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A. i think i've been both. and would like to continue to do so!
22) What color eyes do you have?
A. hazel. and bruce thinks they're BROWN!!! which i wouldn't mind, if they were, but they aren't. there's a simpson's episode about this.
23) Ever been arrested?
A. nope, don't plan to neither
24) Bottle or can soda?
A. no soda. bottled beer.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A. travel the fucking world
27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A. my house. although the peacock lounge is pretty cool.
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A. i do, but i do not want to be proven right
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A. write jams
30) Do you swear a lot?
A. oh yes
31) Biggest pet peeve?
A. silly women.
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A. proof.
33) Do you believe in/appreciate romance?
A. yes, actually. i value it probably too much to be in a rational relationship
34) Do I remind you of anyone?
A. god, actually. in his years as a working woman, struggling to make end's meet.
35) Do you believe in God?
A. i believe in something.
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A. that it not a legitimate question to ask on a survey in which it is understood that one fills it out. please fill out this standardized test so i can have reading material to satisfy my curiosity.
i am so very waiting
and if you only join me
nobody else could read my mind
and when i watch the program
and then i find some something
joke only you would understand
then i file them fingernails
when i find the rabbit tails
how i wish for good luck
wish my dreams was real
yeah...
sometimes i get so very low
sometime i get so sugar high
then come down so weak i don't even
got strength to dare
sometime i wish on you like star
and times i wish you'd call mine
and how i wish we lose our heads
altogether now all together now
lalalalalalala
lalalalalalala
lalalalalalalala
i stay up too late
drink too many kool*aid
songs i sing when i don't know
which direction is west
but-
it's all the same thing anyway
we'll still exist
we'll still exist another moon
nanananananana aeroplane
when it gets in my head
when the rainbow ends
and smaller man stands
presenting lovely things to me
when the virgin of the centuries
appears to you the seven seas
we discover all it was disease
that wiped us out like child's tears
how could we even try
we should just gave it away
all with the first line
why-
do the postman always ring twice
do the milkman never bring nice
all the things you dream he do
when you were just small one
you believe there was a flying magic
thing could take us away from all this mess
why do whale he always sing
so sad a song and winter bring
every madness which we try to circumvent
when i thought i sail the ocean
when i thought that sail would bring me
around to my destiny
when i thought-
when i thought boom box could reveal
secret i thought you should feel
when i think i'd play some poker in the sand
when i think marble win me
fun which equate to money
come to me through the window
when you have marble in your hand
you got nothing in your mind
oh the thing you find in lucky old shirtpocket
then i think i know you well
i believe you ever tell
saying i told you long ago
do you understand my word
do you see as i have heard
can we circumvent each convention of time
you sing tom waits in the street
you scream dancing with your feet
in the rain's the only way to stay alive
how sometimes i think you see straight through
as my heartbeats round the bend
still i cannot answer when
we will meet
our soul with our burden tree
everybody must forgive
everyone must circumvent
circumvent around to me
a hundred centuries ago
i drink water from the rain
if we try we can't remember then
somewhere shadow in a maze
painting bedroom mirror scene
i deny most of nothing
all or more or none for one
finally now we go asleep
keep the questions save your weep
in time all will be disclosed
i shall dance what no one knows
yet in breath a spirit hides
cry in space and yet again
time we dare must circumvent
i have been writing lots of songs lately. this one contains the words seven in the sort of title because it lasted seven minutes. the song is pretty simple (2 x G-C-Em-D:: 2 x Em-C-Em-D) and even though it seems like that many words would not fit into each verse, they do. a change in the tune occurs every time there is an interruption, such as "yeah..." or "nanananana aeroplane." and so on. i guess a recording would be more effective, but then i would definitely get carried away.
i was playing with improper use of past, present and future tense and it resulted in me sounding like foreign person who sing rock and roll. and i mumble- no- slur the words together a little bit, that way phrases are open to interpretation, hence no use of commas. i haven't been foreign for a long time. not since i moved here.
so, if you are reading this, pick out your favorite verses, copy/paste them in comments, and the abridged version will be a compilation of these selections. this is by no means my best or favorite song, that is not why i am posting it. i post to seek this sort of help, and also to express the mood i was in last night.
this weekend has been eventful. i think it's time to dye my hair red again. i think it's time i do any of the things i worry i will go the rest of my life without doing and therefore regret.
i feel like saying 'another long week is drawing to a close.' but it's simply untrue. today is only wednesday. it just feels as though it's closing because, maybe, i've given up on it. buying a candle to sit on my desk, lit, while i take a nap and pretend to do homework was the best decision i've made this week. it is so relaxing.
i don't want to think that part of me that was writing music like a maniac for the past three weeks has dried up. so i won't. i'll go prove myself otherwise right now. then i will write my term paper.
my mom called me at 7 am this morning and really stressed me out. i am supposed to call her back this evening but i'd like to get my paper done. i cannot believe how fast this semester has gone by. i almost let it slip away from me toward the end. tomorrow night i will be making up any and all algebra assignments which i neglected- completely unintentionally, might i add.
this guy wants to give his persuasive speech final over why he's better than me. isn't that cute? i think that means he looks up to me :) or just wishes he was better than me. he is completely the tenth grade version of myself, except 7 feet tall and male. me if i had not gone to nyc and almost died 1,000 times before ending up where i am now.
on saturday bruce and i are getting up ass early to go to a handgun safety course. i think it will be nice. this summer and everything that will or may happen is still negotiable. in fits of passion i am much braver than my true self. my true self is easily charmed by sweet words.
i don't want to think that part of me that was writing music like a maniac for the past three weeks has dried up. so i won't. i'll go prove myself otherwise right now. then i will write my term paper.
my mom called me at 7 am this morning and really stressed me out. i am supposed to call her back this evening but i'd like to get my paper done. i cannot believe how fast this semester has gone by. i almost let it slip away from me toward the end. tomorrow night i will be making up any and all algebra assignments which i neglected- completely unintentionally, might i add.
this guy wants to give his persuasive speech final over why he's better than me. isn't that cute? i think that means he looks up to me :) or just wishes he was better than me. he is completely the tenth grade version of myself, except 7 feet tall and male. me if i had not gone to nyc and almost died 1,000 times before ending up where i am now.
on saturday bruce and i are getting up ass early to go to a handgun safety course. i think it will be nice. this summer and everything that will or may happen is still negotiable. in fits of passion i am much braver than my true self. my true self is easily charmed by sweet words.
i think i only ever post from school. i'm at the library now. i've sequestered myself in hopes of accomplishing my final projects for the semester. library schmibrary.
after class i went to my new favorite coffee joint: summermoon. on south 1st. they wood fire roast their coffee on premises. it's quiet except for the classic rock they play, which is one of the reasons i love them. screw all this indie coffee shop shit. although i suppose the stuff i write and sing with my jam band is completely indie. long live classic rock. they have cool contemporary furniture and brick interior and silly little knick knacks on shelves around the walls. and they showcase work by local artists. they have an iced coffee made with heavy cream and some caramel-ish sweetener which i had to wean myself off of because it was making me fat. now i drink the cappuccino's. i even bought a pound of their coffee. this is luuuuv.
speaking of love, and this will sound really bad, i think i am moving out. of bruce. to live on my own with a craigslist roomate about 4 or 5 miles from where we currently live. the first thing bruce said when i told him was,
"that makes no sense monetarily."
ahhhhh.... my b.
we are not breaking up. i am just going to live independently for the summer. yes, this means i have to take up working again. i know it sounds like bad news, but ever since i started thinking about it things have improved between us. there are just so many reasons for me to do this, but the main one is to see what our relationship is aside from home-ownership and domesticity. we will get to date again and it will be so fun!
i told him this afternoon and he took it rather well. the only thing he's worried about is how to tell his family in such a way that they won't worry about him. i worry about that too. well him. and what his family will think of me. i'm in good standing with them and would like for it to stay that way.
i started out by explaining to him that i'd like to study abroad next summer. that my whole life i thought i would study abroad and that i would hate to forgo that but that i'm afraid i will because of our co-dependence. and my attachment to him. i will use this summer as practice time, then if all goes well i will move back into our home during the school year. then study abroad next summer.
i told him. well. there are so many things i respect and admire him for, but one of those is that he would allow me to do this. i know the realization and all of the implications of it will hit him over the next week or so and he may become apprehensive. i am sad about this. but i am twenty-one. i am a free spirit. for the past two years i have practically acted as his wife and the bottom line is that i'm not. i would rather get it all out of my system now than wait until we are married with children and suddenly regret not having spent more selfish self discovery time. i also intend to travel more over the next two years, both with and without him. as was his suggestion. i told him that i have these doubts and crazy urges to uproot myself for a reason and that to ignore them is not a healthy solution. i love to think about us being together when we're older and being so stable, but right now it just makes me squirm because i am denying my still blatant youthfulness. i told him that i would have to do this either way, whether we were meant for each other or not. that if it were anyone else i would do the same thing. but that the difference between him and anyone else is that no one else would be this accepting of my needs. with anyone else, this would be the final curtain.
he said that there may be repercussions that we do not assume right now. i know he is right. he may not want me back after being without me. i may decide not to come back. but these unforseens are what makes it more interesting and exciting for me. to tell you the truth, i think we will end up together in the end and that it probably sounds like i'm crazy but that it has to happen this way. and if in the short time i'm gone either this summer or next one of us finds true love elsewhere, then as heartbreaking as that would be, it would happen for good reason. my love for bruce is so familial. and that's what i want with him and know we would flourish. but right now i am twenty-one and will only be twenty-one for another two months. then i will be twenty-two. so what? life is short, i know. but my primal urges cannot be ignored and right now they are not telling me to nest.
i hope all goes well i hope all goes well i hope i hope it doesn't end in heartache. but we all know the saying about letting someone go.
in light of maxims, i will post another few by which i feel i can make important life decisions:
after class i went to my new favorite coffee joint: summermoon. on south 1st. they wood fire roast their coffee on premises. it's quiet except for the classic rock they play, which is one of the reasons i love them. screw all this indie coffee shop shit. although i suppose the stuff i write and sing with my jam band is completely indie. long live classic rock. they have cool contemporary furniture and brick interior and silly little knick knacks on shelves around the walls. and they showcase work by local artists. they have an iced coffee made with heavy cream and some caramel-ish sweetener which i had to wean myself off of because it was making me fat. now i drink the cappuccino's. i even bought a pound of their coffee. this is luuuuv.
speaking of love, and this will sound really bad, i think i am moving out. of bruce. to live on my own with a craigslist roomate about 4 or 5 miles from where we currently live. the first thing bruce said when i told him was,
"that makes no sense monetarily."
ahhhhh.... my b.
we are not breaking up. i am just going to live independently for the summer. yes, this means i have to take up working again. i know it sounds like bad news, but ever since i started thinking about it things have improved between us. there are just so many reasons for me to do this, but the main one is to see what our relationship is aside from home-ownership and domesticity. we will get to date again and it will be so fun!
i told him this afternoon and he took it rather well. the only thing he's worried about is how to tell his family in such a way that they won't worry about him. i worry about that too. well him. and what his family will think of me. i'm in good standing with them and would like for it to stay that way.
i started out by explaining to him that i'd like to study abroad next summer. that my whole life i thought i would study abroad and that i would hate to forgo that but that i'm afraid i will because of our co-dependence. and my attachment to him. i will use this summer as practice time, then if all goes well i will move back into our home during the school year. then study abroad next summer.
i told him. well. there are so many things i respect and admire him for, but one of those is that he would allow me to do this. i know the realization and all of the implications of it will hit him over the next week or so and he may become apprehensive. i am sad about this. but i am twenty-one. i am a free spirit. for the past two years i have practically acted as his wife and the bottom line is that i'm not. i would rather get it all out of my system now than wait until we are married with children and suddenly regret not having spent more selfish self discovery time. i also intend to travel more over the next two years, both with and without him. as was his suggestion. i told him that i have these doubts and crazy urges to uproot myself for a reason and that to ignore them is not a healthy solution. i love to think about us being together when we're older and being so stable, but right now it just makes me squirm because i am denying my still blatant youthfulness. i told him that i would have to do this either way, whether we were meant for each other or not. that if it were anyone else i would do the same thing. but that the difference between him and anyone else is that no one else would be this accepting of my needs. with anyone else, this would be the final curtain.
he said that there may be repercussions that we do not assume right now. i know he is right. he may not want me back after being without me. i may decide not to come back. but these unforseens are what makes it more interesting and exciting for me. to tell you the truth, i think we will end up together in the end and that it probably sounds like i'm crazy but that it has to happen this way. and if in the short time i'm gone either this summer or next one of us finds true love elsewhere, then as heartbreaking as that would be, it would happen for good reason. my love for bruce is so familial. and that's what i want with him and know we would flourish. but right now i am twenty-one and will only be twenty-one for another two months. then i will be twenty-two. so what? life is short, i know. but my primal urges cannot be ignored and right now they are not telling me to nest.
i hope all goes well i hope all goes well i hope i hope it doesn't end in heartache. but we all know the saying about letting someone go.
in light of maxims, i will post another few by which i feel i can make important life decisions:
Habit is either the best of servants or the worst of masters.
Emmons
Waste not, want not.
The worst man is least troubled by his conscience.
The word independence is united to the ideas of dignity and
virtue; the word dependence, to the ideas of inferiority and
corruption.
J. Bentham
Let all your views in life be directed to a solid, however
moderate, independence; without it no man can be happy, nor
even honest.
Junius
Every one stamps his own value on himself. Man is made great
or little by his own will.
Schiller
If you would have a faithful servant, and one that you like,
serve yourself.
Franklin
The man who cannot enjoy his own natural gifts in silence, and
find his reward in the exercise of them, will generally find
himself badly off.
Goethe
There is no man so low down that the cure for his condition
does not lie strictly within himself.
T. L. Masson
They can conquer who believe they can.
Virgil
Those who know when they have enough are rich.
Chinese Proverb
When we cannot find contentment in ourselves, it is useless to
seek it elsewhere.
La Rochefoucauld
It never occurs to fools that merit and good fortune are
closely united.
Goethe
i <3 goethe
A fool is never wrong.
As a dog returns to his own vomit,
So a fool repeats his folly.
Prov 26:11
ohhhh.... bible!
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
As you make your bed, so must you lie in it.
Don't cut off your nose to spite your face.
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.
Still waters run deep.
There is more than one way to skin a cat.
^how the hell did they come up with that?
Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
this is going to sound so strange. i wish that time wasn't passing by so fast. usually i like that. but right now i feel anxious. the semester will be over in about two weeks. i guess i just feel safe the way things are right now. i will only have one B and the rest A's. i am anxious about next semester because i know i'm taking on way too much. i just want to make sure that i do not stay in school for the next 3 years or so. this semester is really laid back even though i'm taking 16 hours so i guess that's why i don't want it to end. next semester i will have 18 and they may be more challenging. plus, next week i have three major projects due which i haven't started because i'm in denial. as soon as i quit my job i started to really indulge. yesterday i was thinking i was more productive when i was working. just between monday and today i've written about 5 new songs. only one of them is good, or worthy of use by my jam band. but i'd still consider that productive. next semester i need to be brainwashed into working extra dilligently in school though, that way i will finish homework before engaging in artistic endeavors.
jamming is hard. well, jamming with lisa isn't hard. but jamming with my "band" is. there seems to be too much dissent regarding ideas, but it comes not from the part of the band actually coming up with the ideas.
in other news, i have a heart-crush on tom petty. the way he was in his 20's. although throughout his 30's he still had it. then he started to deteriorate, but not as badly as most rock stars.
when i think about rock and roll, really wish i was a man. or a tall, lean boyish girl. i get mistaken for jewish, but never for a boy.
i am wondering right now what will happen with the rest of my life.
i had a dream last night that i had a baby and that my friend susan took it away from me. i guess we had made an arrangement and it was a surrogate sort of thing. the baby in my dream looked just like susan's actual baby. and child birth didn't hurt at all. i could distinctly feel the emptiness, though, of having the creature taken from me. in my mind i was even willing to stay with her boyfriend, who was technically the father, if she'd let me keep it. in my dream i also had an electric guitar, which it turns out i'd owned since childhood and forgot about then rediscovered. the guitar was almost magical, when i played it i had great talent. and i wrote songs about the little one.
maybe that dream came out of my professor talking about how grad school is the best time for ambitious women, such as herself, to have children. i'm not dying to have children. i do think about it though. on one hand it feels like my life ending, and on the other hand, life beginning. the assumption if i end up with b forever is that we will spawn other creatures. i wonder about it all though. that is one path and underlying it this "what if' what if i choose not to stay with the same person forever. i really want to know what will become of me. i'm afraid i would be very bad. but as much as i love our house and everything we've done to it, responsibility, extreme comfort, tom petty, native american men- these things make me stir crazy.
he knows that i think about these things and it does make him uneasy. but i can't stand when things are too easy, when things are assumed. because i am not so constant as most stable people. i cannot even admit whether or not i'd like to be. when i think about family and security and confidence and accomplishments and grad school and fresh groceries and not screwing up i think about b. this occupies me a lot. i do not know what to do. i do not want to waste time, my own but especially his. i do not want to uproot my life just to figure it out. i do not want to hurt him. but selfishly i want to go away and miss him. i want to make damn sure i don't end up a housewife. i have this crazy notion that had we gotten married impulsively while things were still new our relationship would be different. we've given it too much time to falter and as we approach two years i can see three, four, five go by and me having more time to think about this and realize that i do not want to actually get married. that i want to travel and see what else i can discover about myself. he knows all this.
i feel my motivations are shallow when i feel jealous of people my age who actually behave as young as they are. i see people falling for other people around me and i remember what it's like and it only makes me sad. i still think about sex as much as is usual for me but in inappropriate ways. i know i sound shallow and silly twenty-something everything's a crisis i don't know i don't know anything. if that's truly what is going on with me i must be undeserving of this house and this man who has taken a provider role and who loves me not for my body and with whom i never fight. and who comes from a wonderful family who i love and get along with and love being a part of. and who my parents love and would not like me as much if i left for some skinny musician or more long-haired ethnic type. and if i left i would miss bruce because he is the most amazing person.
jamming is hard. well, jamming with lisa isn't hard. but jamming with my "band" is. there seems to be too much dissent regarding ideas, but it comes not from the part of the band actually coming up with the ideas.
in other news, i have a heart-crush on tom petty. the way he was in his 20's. although throughout his 30's he still had it. then he started to deteriorate, but not as badly as most rock stars.
when i think about rock and roll, really wish i was a man. or a tall, lean boyish girl. i get mistaken for jewish, but never for a boy.
i am wondering right now what will happen with the rest of my life.
i had a dream last night that i had a baby and that my friend susan took it away from me. i guess we had made an arrangement and it was a surrogate sort of thing. the baby in my dream looked just like susan's actual baby. and child birth didn't hurt at all. i could distinctly feel the emptiness, though, of having the creature taken from me. in my mind i was even willing to stay with her boyfriend, who was technically the father, if she'd let me keep it. in my dream i also had an electric guitar, which it turns out i'd owned since childhood and forgot about then rediscovered. the guitar was almost magical, when i played it i had great talent. and i wrote songs about the little one.
maybe that dream came out of my professor talking about how grad school is the best time for ambitious women, such as herself, to have children. i'm not dying to have children. i do think about it though. on one hand it feels like my life ending, and on the other hand, life beginning. the assumption if i end up with b forever is that we will spawn other creatures. i wonder about it all though. that is one path and underlying it this "what if' what if i choose not to stay with the same person forever. i really want to know what will become of me. i'm afraid i would be very bad. but as much as i love our house and everything we've done to it, responsibility, extreme comfort, tom petty, native american men- these things make me stir crazy.
he knows that i think about these things and it does make him uneasy. but i can't stand when things are too easy, when things are assumed. because i am not so constant as most stable people. i cannot even admit whether or not i'd like to be. when i think about family and security and confidence and accomplishments and grad school and fresh groceries and not screwing up i think about b. this occupies me a lot. i do not know what to do. i do not want to waste time, my own but especially his. i do not want to uproot my life just to figure it out. i do not want to hurt him. but selfishly i want to go away and miss him. i want to make damn sure i don't end up a housewife. i have this crazy notion that had we gotten married impulsively while things were still new our relationship would be different. we've given it too much time to falter and as we approach two years i can see three, four, five go by and me having more time to think about this and realize that i do not want to actually get married. that i want to travel and see what else i can discover about myself. he knows all this.
i feel my motivations are shallow when i feel jealous of people my age who actually behave as young as they are. i see people falling for other people around me and i remember what it's like and it only makes me sad. i still think about sex as much as is usual for me but in inappropriate ways. i know i sound shallow and silly twenty-something everything's a crisis i don't know i don't know anything. if that's truly what is going on with me i must be undeserving of this house and this man who has taken a provider role and who loves me not for my body and with whom i never fight. and who comes from a wonderful family who i love and get along with and love being a part of. and who my parents love and would not like me as much if i left for some skinny musician or more long-haired ethnic type. and if i left i would miss bruce because he is the most amazing person.
"the writer has no responsibility. except to jack off in bed alone. and type a good page."
-bukowski
"nothing should ever be done that should be done. it has to come out like a good hot beer shit. a good hot beer shit is glorious, man. you get up, you turn around, you look at it, you're proud. the fumes, the stink of the turd. you look at it, you say, god i did it. i'm good. you know. then you flush it away and there's this sense of sadness. when just the water is there. it's like writing a good poem- you just do it. it's a beer shit. there's nothing to analyze there, nothing to say. it's just done. got it?"
-bukowski
"why i continued writing... i felt there was nothing out there. so i had to continue. because they were so bad, not because i was so good. and i'm still not so good. but they're still very bad. and there's still room for someone to step in here, see? and i hope he does... or she."
-bukowski
-bukowski
"nothing should ever be done that should be done. it has to come out like a good hot beer shit. a good hot beer shit is glorious, man. you get up, you turn around, you look at it, you're proud. the fumes, the stink of the turd. you look at it, you say, god i did it. i'm good. you know. then you flush it away and there's this sense of sadness. when just the water is there. it's like writing a good poem- you just do it. it's a beer shit. there's nothing to analyze there, nothing to say. it's just done. got it?"
-bukowski
"why i continued writing... i felt there was nothing out there. so i had to continue. because they were so bad, not because i was so good. and i'm still not so good. but they're still very bad. and there's still room for someone to step in here, see? and i hope he does... or she."
-bukowski
i was going to the bathroom just now, lovely i know, and started to think about things that i don't like. beefs i've got with the world that i live in. which, mind you, is not necessary. i could probably find ways of avoiding all of these things but they are what annoy me and at the same time make me laugh:
-ladies public bathrooms
a. are disgusting. ever been in a men's room? and i mean, anywhere besides a dive bar. the men's room is always cleaner. always. i think there's this sort of mythology that surrounds women, that they are neat and clean beings who do not like to wallow in their own filth and that men are the opposite. maybe the squalor of women's public bathrooms is an unspoken, indirect rebellion to that "house-wife" image.
i just cannot conceive of why any grown person would neglect to flush the toilet, or would PEE on the fuckin toilet seat. this is beyond me.
b. i also dislike toilets that flush automatically. these were likely invented to counter women's fascination with leaving their piss and shit in the toilet behind them, like a dog marking a fire hydrant, but the things are usually faulty and don't activate when you are finished and want them to. no. they usually go off while you are still sitting down and then toilet water splashes up onto your privates. THAT is not hygienic.
c. i think this is certainly a special "austin," thing. sort of comes with the "charm" of a "small," "trendy," "artist's city." i imagine portland, berkeley, denton, asheville and athens all experience the same. snobby ass-hole kids working barista jobs or at the video rental place. this can be experienced in a number of places, but namely those. i've worked in service industry for a while- i'm out now- but i know how hard it is. i know how much people suck. i too, feel the hatred. but the whole point of being a good server is being able to keep the creative, vile inner monologue while being as cute as a button on the surface. i am a nice person- essssspecially to other service people. i always tip ridiculously. i always say please and thank you. i do not make special requests. yet these snooty little brats furrow their eyebrows and look at me like i'm an idiot. me. the one who is not behind the counter making $7.00/hr. as though coffee is some high art (it is, but not at chains like seattle's best and starbuck's) and the presence of customers is somehow insulting. as for the video stores. the fact that i even bother to ask questions demonstrates that i value the art above just grabbing something off of the new releases rack. do not give me the attitude, man. if i wished, i could out talk you on the subject of film even though i do not devote my entire existence simply to watching movies and knowing every line of every cult classic or sub par horror film and value them for the irony of how horrible they are.
d. when i am in a quiet area, reading, and two girls sit within a twenty-foot radius and carry on a conversation loudly enough so as to disturb me. first of all, it saddens me to hear the way young women converse with one another. just yesterday this happened, and these two hideous beings we shouting at each other in loud, high pitched tenors about worthless college shit. then another girl joined them. they all exchanged expressions of their delight at having- ever so coincidentally on a square mile campus- run into each other. in the form of squeals. then, when the third girl departed, the other two proceeded to "talk shit" about her. loudly enough that i could hear. everything they said contradicted their behavior upon the previous meeting. i wanted them to shut their imbecile traps.
there are many things in this world that annoy me or make me feel sad for the condition of my generation and the ones that follow. but for every iniquity there is something redeeming. usually having nothing to do with my generation, but in which i can find peace.
currently i am working on a play which is to be performed this saturday at a warehouse theatre on the east side. the performance is mainly to benefit the writer who has work-shopped it with us. the actors with me are amazing. they make me feel like a good actor because they give me something to aspire to. the play is based on the events at abu ghraib and my character is based loosely on linndy england. heavy shit. very fulfilling. and it will all be over so soon.
currently reading the sorrows of young werther by goethe. slowly because i do not have much reading time.
what else?
bruce bought me a revolver. a lady smith by smith and wesson. the handle is a polished tiger stripe oak and the barrel some sort of silver composite. i like it because it will not scratch as easily as stainless steel. which is actually a strange name for such a sensitive metal. time to go to class now. more about carry weapons later. don't worry, i haven't become a war monger or s&m dungeon rpg folk. i just got to thinking about it one day, and with weapons in the hands of all of the wrong people i felt i should take it upon myself to participate in the 2nd amendment for the protection of others as well as my little old self. and i'm actually a pretty good shot ;)
my goal this week is to wake up early every day, giving myself time to get ready and prepare myself, then to arrive early to class. i had coffee, my energy pill, and a health tonic, but i feel so lethargic today. i spilled red gatorade all down my white shirt during my first class, and just now i was eating an apple and bit my lip. it's that sort of lethargy. i think maybe i need to get more exercise to produce more energy. also, i drink entirely too much. maybe it;'s time i take a break from drinking for the week. although, every time i try that i gain weight. exercise makes me gain weight too. which isn't the worst thing, just so ass backwards. that sloth and alcohol should keep me thin.
this week is dirty. ugly gloom hangs over me throughout. the sun is starting, struggling to show itself. but only half of me is here still. large, strange side lost somewhere in the ether. i've drunk myself dry and my lids will not open fully. this sweater hangs sideways and my walk is no swagger, not even close. my footing has not found me for this week. i need to retreat.
oh. and. we've been eating lots of cookie dough lately.
people should really not talk in the library. call me old fashioned.
and the fact that it's pretty quiet except for one egoist gabbing on about her gpa really serves to accentuate that someone is talking and shouldn't be. and this gives me reasons to procrastinate.
i slept in sinfully late today, even though i had set my alarm for 7:00 with the intention of exercising in the morning and having plenty of time left over to get tons of stuff done.
i also caused bruce to procrastinate on his work. we went to lowe's and got a manual push mower. then we raked and mowed and clipped weeds. i smell i grass and outside and sweat now. i went to class this way. felt good.
we spent the weekend painting and reorganizing our respective offices. mine is girlie and antique. the weekend ended to fast and now our house is sort of cluttered and messy. but our offices are great. i could live in mine. it's like my own apartment. i retreat there.
i must finish gathering sources for the paper i am working on. what else? we have handsome cats.
and the fact that it's pretty quiet except for one egoist gabbing on about her gpa really serves to accentuate that someone is talking and shouldn't be. and this gives me reasons to procrastinate.
i slept in sinfully late today, even though i had set my alarm for 7:00 with the intention of exercising in the morning and having plenty of time left over to get tons of stuff done.
i also caused bruce to procrastinate on his work. we went to lowe's and got a manual push mower. then we raked and mowed and clipped weeds. i smell i grass and outside and sweat now. i went to class this way. felt good.
we spent the weekend painting and reorganizing our respective offices. mine is girlie and antique. the weekend ended to fast and now our house is sort of cluttered and messy. but our offices are great. i could live in mine. it's like my own apartment. i retreat there.
i must finish gathering sources for the paper i am working on. what else? we have handsome cats.
lately i have been listening to the kinks & the smiths.
i'm upset because i rented a movie in french and realized i do not know where the remote control is for the dvd player which would enable subtitles. i'm upset because i don't understand french.
if i understood french i would pretend i was from france and charm people with my otherworldliness. but i'm just fuckin' me. now. gradually i've become this. and as much as i feel the pull to run around breaking hearts, the colors we've chosen for the walls here are absolutely perfect. they keep me here, wanting nothing more than another glass of red wine.
if i had been born in france i'd be another person.
i accidentally turned on pbs, and it's bob dylan- when he was young.
i'm about to drink too much wine for the situation.
like a rolling stone. it's all over now baby blue.
my true intent is lost somewhere in the ether. here i am so comfortable. and so.
i'm upset because i rented a movie in french and realized i do not know where the remote control is for the dvd player which would enable subtitles. i'm upset because i don't understand french.
if i understood french i would pretend i was from france and charm people with my otherworldliness. but i'm just fuckin' me. now. gradually i've become this. and as much as i feel the pull to run around breaking hearts, the colors we've chosen for the walls here are absolutely perfect. they keep me here, wanting nothing more than another glass of red wine.
if i had been born in france i'd be another person.
i accidentally turned on pbs, and it's bob dylan- when he was young.
i'm about to drink too much wine for the situation.
like a rolling stone. it's all over now baby blue.
my true intent is lost somewhere in the ether. here i am so comfortable. and so.
i only have one class today. it is coming up soon. i have tons of homework due tomorrow, but some of it is stuff i've known about since before spring break, for instance, a web design project. i had planned to wake up at a normal hour today, eight or nine, and work on stuff. looks like now i'll be doing it all this evening.
i'm thinking of getting an automatic litter box that will scoop the litter for me... using my last pay check. because i think it will be worth it. never to have to change litter manually again. it's the worst.
the other day we rented a movie called khadak. it was about these nomads in the mongolian steppes, and a young boy whose destiny is to become a shaman. the cinematography was awesome. i would recommend it to anyone who has two hours to spare.
the new house is really coming along.
my brain still feels fuzzy from sleeping so long. i had so many dreams, i cannot even remember them all.
i'm currently reading the sorrows of young werther. so far i love it.
yesterday i decided to pull myself together. even though i feel today like i've regressed, yesterday helped me feel like i haven't completely wasted my break. i moped around until about 1:00, then decided to do laundry. around 1:45 i went jogging, but that nice experience was interrupted by a creepy guy following me on his bike. i came home, showered, and at 3:30 met up with bruce to turn in keys at the old apartment. then i went alone to see corn mo play at some club house typically use for events for old men, the moose lodge, on the east side. i really love the east side. i love our house now of course, but the east side's got a lot of character and not a lot of traffic over there.
there i ran into jerm and we did some catching up. corn mo was amazing.
around 6:30 i headed west to meet up with andy, ryan and vanessa, and separately, leah. i got lost somehow, probably due to my two beers on an empty stomach. so i got there a little later than i had planned, but intact. the traffic around barton springs was incredible, so instead of park in event parking, i opted to park in a neighborhood about a mile away, and walked in my high heeled boots to auditorium shores. which was packed. i was out of cash, so andy bought me a margarita. then it was time to see spoon play. their music is happy. instrumentally, they sounded great live, but the lead singer seemed a little confused the whole time. he said it was because they hadn't played a show in two weeks. must be hard to be a rock star. i enjoyed myself. i left around 9:00 while they were still playing because i was starving. leah and i got coffee- really good coffee- and she drove me back to my car. then she and her man met up with us at my house and we make spaghetti with meat sauce and drank wine. none of us felt like going back out after that. i subjected everyone to you tube surfing, bruce fell asleep almost immediately after they left, but i couldn't, so i looked for things to do online.
i don't remember what i dreamed last night, but the previous night i had a dream that i was on the campaign trail with obama and had started to fall for him. i made these beautifully crafted cakes with his face on them, very lifelike, and we would give out pieces at parties. lisa and i wanted to smoke a joint and he got mad and disappointed- so i told him about my unrequited love for him. it was very dramatic. i woke up.
i'm trying not to be confused anymore.
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sabrinasmash- sabrina e. smash
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